Hiiii My name is Gill (that's Jill, only spelled with a "G"). Well Gillian really, but s’all the same! I used to live in New Orleans, but now I live in The-Middle-of-Nowhere, NJ. I graduated in May with my Bachelors in Environmental Science, and I am currently serving as an AmeriCorps volunteer focused on improving watershed health. I'm looking forward to a new adventure once my program ends in July!
Ask me ANYTHING. Really.
Sometimes, even when you think you’re in a really good place emotionally, you randomly start crying while cuddled up with a really sweet, wonderful guy. And you yourself are confused as to why it’s happening (Oh my god, am I crying? What the heck, why am I crying?! Quick! Stop before anyone notices! WHAT IS HAPPENING OH GOD) , trying in vain to hold back the tears, hoping that he won’t notice and will simply think you’re tired or that your eyes are itchy or whatever.
Sometimes, he still notices because - UH, EXCUSE ME? - you are silently crying against his chest… like, his face is right near your face - no amount of vision impairment can help you now.
Sometimes, when you try to explain why you’re crying out of nowhere, it doesn’t make any sense, even to yourself.
You try to make sense of the strange anxiety that is streaming out of your tear ducts, and you get nervous and fidgety and physically hot knowing that someone else is watching you - calmly, yes, but probably a little bit more confused than you are. You try to look at anything except for his face because holy crap, you are crazy, what is happening?
You realize that maybe some negative thoughts carried themselves over from a past toxic relationship because, even though you have no reason to feel like you’re coming off as overbearing/needy/clingy, you still can’t shake the feeling that you are. And you worry that this person you are coming to like very much will decide that they can’t remember anything they liked about you in the first place - DEAR LORD THIS GIRL IS CRAZY AND NEEDS TO GIVE ME SOME SPACE. (Okay, brain, take it easy. I’m like… really great!)
You realize that dating a new person that you like a lot will put you in a constant state of vulnerability and that is scary. Scaaaaary. No more feelings, shut down the feelings! ((I am a rock, I am an island! I have no need for friendship, friendship causes pain! It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain! … A rock feels no pain! An island never cries!))
But you try to think about it rationally, based on consistent positive exchanges, and come to wonder instead how a person can be so incredibly sweet and caring and thoughtful to you all the time because it’s only been a month and a half and he’s already proven to treat you nicer than anyone you’ve ever dated. And why does that feel so foreign?
That’s sad that a person treating you so well is so significant that it moves you to anxiety-ridden tears. Can you acknowledge that? That’s very sad, you deserve to be treated nicely of course. And showing feelings/ vulnerability and expressing wants/needs is NORMAL. I mean, well, it’s not really normal to start randomly crying during quiet cuddle time, but it’s okay if that happens sometimes too. You are human and you are more strangely complex than even you might understand before you stop breathing one day. Let the feels come and let the feels go. Try to understand them, and try to share them because people want to understand and relate to you.
Okay, good talk. Don’t worry, totally happens to everyone… (nope.) (But whatever, you’re not everyone. )
I took myself birthday shopping today! Second one was a no-go but I looked pretty smokin’ (also, totally a kim kardashian dress, lolol oops), but the first was much more my style and I did buy it for myself. TREAT YO’SELF.
It’s been a nice, relaxing day with plenty of simple pleasures and a handful of lovely people. All I can ask for!
Off from work today, so I took myself on a little date! I wore cute fall clothes and some spiffy red lipstick and I walked around in this cute little town admiring the landscape and the leaves. I didn’t have to talk to anyone, and I wore a smile the whole time. I even sat on the Old Friends, Book Ends bench which made me think of Simon and Garfunkel and my own best friends in faraway places.
Sometimes I forget that I need days like this where I don’t have to share myself with anyone. I’m pretty great company, if I do say so myself.
My very precious sister came to visit me. I sent out a plea for furlough chocolate and reinforcements, so she flew out to hand deliver Lindt and Hocus Pocus.
Twelve hours after she landed and about 20 minutes after we started mountain biking, she landed again. On her clavicle. And broke it. Oh, Gilly. Oops.
She pinky promises that she was having a lot of fun before she crashed. And that she would mountain bike with us again! She is such a trooper. Despite her pain, she was mostly just upset because (1) we felt bad that we had broken her (“Don’t be upset! I know I can’t make you NOT be, but I wish you weren’t”) and (2) that her broken body threw a wrench into our adventuring plans. We had planned on mountain biking Saturday, rock climbing Sunday, Moab Monday.
So we went back to the drawing board and brainstormed. “Don’t coddle me!” She still wanted to adventure, so adventure we did.
We woke up early and headed for Moab, land of Arches and Canyonlands National Parks. As we were driving, Anders suggested that we take a detour for the high point of Carbon County. At 10,452’, it would be the highest land that Gillian had ever laid foot upon. Without a real itinerary, it seemed like a mighty fine idea. So we made our way upupandup.
We stopped for Jamocha shakes from Arby’s, I dangled Gillian off the edge of a 2200’ canyon wall in Canyonlands, and we hiked to Delicate Arch for unreal late-afternoon vistas. We spent most of the day in the car, laughing until tears streamed and having Canyon Real Talk in the Nest of Security. It was a perfect day.
On Monday, I made Gillian some salted caramel mocha cupcakes (because she is a brainwashed Starbucks barista and DEMANDED them). We went to the art museum and the dinosaur museum, because we needed both culture and science. We introduced my Mormon men to the beauty and seasonal perfection that is Hocus Pocus.
I don’t really have photos from Monday or Tuesday. We were too busy enjoying each other’s company and drinking coffee.
There is never enough sister time.
She forgot to say that I was also (and still am) upset that I can’t do anything about my poodle hair. Life is hard.
They were the best of times and they were the best of times. It’s not everywhere that there are people who make you feel at home.
A+, would go again. And also my sister is better than your sister.